I know what some of you are thinking. Wait, what? Are you some kind of monster? Of course it's a bad thing to be selfish. But, hear me out and you just might gain some valuable insight into the inner workings of you. (Or you might still think I'm a monster and go eat a sandwich while you further contemplate the universe, but hey, a sandwich sounds like a win to me 🙂)
     Let's start this healthy introspection off with a few observations about societal expectations placed on women, shall we. First, I'll start with the immortal vocal stylings of Chaka Khan, "I'm every woman, it's all in me, anything you want done baby, I'll do it naturally." Don't get me wrong, I love this song and I totally get why it shows up on so many lists of female empowerment songs, but it points to a less healthy cultural trend that has been picking up steam since the 1970's - women can do it all, at once, without batting an eyelash. Nicole Lapin points out this issue in her amazing book Becoming Super Woman: A Simple 12 Step Plan to Go from Burnout to Balance (more on this book in an upcoming blog post). 
     I must admit that I found myself in deep agreement with Lapin and started really thinking about the things I've been taught about what it means to be a girl/woman in our culture. Women are caregivers and often times sole caregivers. I know that we are making progress as a society, but as with so many things, we've still got a long way to go. We are taught from day one to take care of everyone else's needs before our own. Cook, clean, raise children, run the carpool, go to college, have a fulfilling career, go to the gym, look flawless, remember birthdays, send cards and never complain about being tired or you're selfish. There it is - the s word.
     Growing up, I internalized the belief that being selfish was a cardinal sin. Absolutely, above everything else, you must not be selfish. Give to others to the point of complete self-sacrifice in order to prove that you have not failed, that you are not a bad person, that you don't lack moral character. And it's just a terrible model to follow.
     You can't fill from an empty cup. One more time, louder for those in the back: YOU CAN NOT FILL FROM AN EMPTY CUP. Sorry for yelling, but it's just so frustrating, and irritating this cross we are taught to bear. When you try to do everything and be everything for everyone, you are spread too thin. As human beings, we all have a breaking point. Giving to everyone and never taking for yourself means that you are an empty vessel with no fuel, and, instead of giving 100%, you are giving 1% to a hundred different things. It's exhausting and unhealthy.
     Your needs matter. Not after you have met everyone else's first - now. Being selfish gets a bad rap because it has the connotation that taking for yourself means disregarding everyone else. That you would deliberately harm another person physically, emotionally, or spiritually, to get what you want. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that this is not you. You are a good person, and meeting your needs first is about finding balance, and being happy so that everything you do going forward will be met with all the energy and passion you have.
     So, what do you want? Now that you have permission to take care of yourself, what do you need? This question is often deeply unsettling. It's like walking into the world's largest all you can eat buffet on an empty stomach. There are just so many choices, so many things you haven't tried before or thought to try. So much all at once. Take a deep breath ( I know, I give that advice a lot 🙂). This isn't a mountain you have to conquer in one day. This is a process and for most of us, it takes time. And giving yourself permission to explore and grow and change your mind - a hundred times if that's what it takes.
     Put yourself first. Not because you are greedy and irreverent of others feeling, but because you care about being the best version of yourself and sharing that with the world. Start making time, even if you have to fight for it, to ask yourself what you want. What do you dream of for yourself? What kind of life do you want to have? What legacy do you want to leave behind? It doesn't have to be grandiose - you don't have to change the world (unless you want to). Maybe you want to run a successful business, maybe you want to share your passion through art, maybe you want to teach others how to love themselves too. 
     Take a small step today. Get out a pen and a piece of paper. Write at the top, What do I want? You can start making a list, or doodle, or just free write. No one else will see this but you, so don't worry about how it looks or if it's organized the "right" way. There is no right way. Maybe, all you can think of is a sandwich. Write that down. Describe it. Think about what will be on it, what kind of bread, how it will taste. No limits. Just start writing, and do this every single day. What do I want? You'll be surprised how your thinking starts to shift. When you give yourself permission to dream, to contemplate, to imagine without limits - that still small voice inside you will start to speak again. Just listen.
     Put yourself first. Be a little selfish. Figure out what you want for your life. This is the first step on the road to building true fulfillment. And when you allow yourself to have what you need, to be happy, and to grow, that light will shine so brightly that it warms everyone else in your path. Your personal fulfillment will give you strength and direction and purpose. There will be no more 1% to 100 things, there will be 100% to the most important things. So, really, there's only one question left today, what do you want? You owe it to yourself to find out.

     May is Mental Health Month and the perfect time to address a topic that is very near to my heart. Mental health is no different than physical health and just as important. For a very long time, our culture has been dismissive of psychology and therapy favoring a let's sweep in under the rug attitude toward mental illness and I couldn't be happier that's finally starting to change. At the very least, we are seeing positive movement in the right direction.
     I don't know about you, but this idea that it's all "in your head" is immensely frustrating. Telling someone that it's all in their head implies weakness or that they can somehow mind over matter the whole situation and everything will be fine. I'm going to get real with you for a moment here.
     When I was in high school, I suffered from bouts of very severe, clinical depression. I practiced self harm and also struggled with disordered eating, but my dad didn't believe in therapy. He was absolutely convinced that I was acting out, or needed attention and that if I could just "snap out of it" and "put my mind to it", I would be cured. But that's the thing. Mental illness isn't a weakness or personal failing. It doesn't indicate that you lack character. Often, it is the result of trauma or a chemical imbalance or biology, NOT a lack of tenacity. 
     Luckily for me,my mother did believe in therapy and, although I never got support from my dad, I got treatment and medication which helped me immensely. To this day, I struggle with sometimes debilitating anxiety, but I continue to learn new ways of coping and have built an amazing support system. Not every day is a good day, and that's ok.
     If you are struggling or suspect you might be struggling with mental illness, please visit Mental Health America for a free mental health screening. You can also visit Better Help, an online counseling service that offers unlimited 24/7 communication with a licensed health care professional. They offer financial assistance services for those who need it and you can get a free week when you sign up using my link. 
     If someone you care about is struggling with mental illness, here are a few helpful do's and don'ts. First, don't tell them to "calm down" or "chill out". Chances are they can't simply control what they are feeling and maybe even how they are responding. As I said before, this isn't about weakness or personal failing. Second, don't imply that they are "crazy" or "over reacting". Don't make them feel inadequate or less than, because chances are, they already feel that way or have felt that way and what they really need is your support. 
   So, what should you do? First, listen. Brene Brown has an excellent video on empathy that poignantly illustrates the power of listening and offering support. Second, ask them how you can help. Sometimes we just need to know that someone has our back. Lastly, encourage them to talk to a professional. Let them know that there is absolutely no shame in talking to a doctor, counselor, or therapist about what they are feeling and how they are struggling. 
     The very best thing we can do is destigmatize mental health. Start the conversation, share the resources, be the support, and reach out if you or a loved one is struggling. Mental health is every bit as important as physical health. Depression and anxiety are every bit as real as asthma and the flu. Remember, May in Mental Health month and it's up to us to spread the word.