So, I tried to write a post several days ago and when I clicked publish, the entire thing disappeared. I'm just now giving it another go and you better believe I'm clicking copy/paste before I post this time. Geesh. Anyway, the eat what you have challenge lasted exactly two days. I didn't make meatballs on Tuesday when I had time, so Wednesday when I didn't have time, there was no food. I knew I should have prepped in advance for that specific moment because exactly what happened, would happen. But here we are. 
     I have put on 20 pounds in less than 2 months. I can't seem to stop eating. I have a ravenous and insatiable appetite but have been faithfully entering every calorie into my LoseIt app so I know exactly how bad it's been. I've also woke up with a headache every single morning and been horribly exhausted and irritable throughout the day. I was diagnosed with sleep apena last week, and while I can't blame all my bad habits on that, I did find out that all of my symptoms, including the weight gain and ravenous appetite, can be brought on by apnea. When you don't get sleep your body starts self destructing. I'm hoping they send the machine soon. The doctor said it can take up to 3 weeks to arrive.
     I managed to exercise two days last week. I just didn't have the energy to do any more on top of work. Again, I'm hoping that the machine will help with this. I've never been one to buy into the hype of weight loss supplements, and I know that natural doesn't always mean safe, but I've been seriously considering an appetite suppressant. If you saw me, you'd understand. I eat like a person possessed and I'm always hungry. the thing is, it's nearly impossible find something that is stimulant free, affordable, and doesn't interact with the black cohosh in my menopause multivitamin. A lot of weight loss drugs have ashwaganda and that shouldn't be taken in conjunction with black cohosh. Sigh.
     My besties are coming down this weekend, so I must go prepare for work and a most excellent party. Cross your fingers that the apnea machine arrives soon and that it will exercise the food demons.

     It's been 13 days since my last post, so here's a recap. We lost the eat what you have challenge two days in because I did not prepare the meatballs on Tuesday night when I had time for Wednesday night when I did not have time (story of my life). The results of my sleep test conclude that I have sleep apnea and they are sending an A-pap machine in the mail, but I have not yet been contacted by the ENT specialist that is supposed to call me back to schedule an appointment (big surprise there). I've started having headaches every single morning when I wake up, so that's super fun, and I haven't felt well enough to exercise for the last couple days. I think that about covers it for the recap.
     I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately and started thinking about the root cause of my feelings. I'm mean to myself. If I sat down in a public place and saw one lady talking to another lady the way I talk to myself, I'd be horrified. So why do I think it's ok to do this to myself? Every time I don't meet my own expectations for myself, I let myself have it, like in the movie "Liar, Liar" (do you mind? I'm kicking my own ass!) Usually, I keep the verbal abuse silent, but lately, it's been leaking out in audible tangents (only at home, I try to seem less crazy in public). It's gotten so bad that my husband is really frustrated with me. He says it hurts him to hear me talk about the person he loves that way. Again, why do I think it's ok to do this to myself?
    I'm really trying to work on letting myself off the hook. So your house is a mess? Take a deep breath and try again tomorrow. So you didn't exercise today? Take a deep breath and try again tomorrow. Honestly, that's why I wanted to start The Sticker Revolution in the first place, to reward myself for the little accomplishments, to give myself a visual reminder, and to share the struggles and triumphs with a friend.
     I have now been in the "obese" category for almost more of my life than not. The habits that got me here will not change over night. I'm giving myself permission to cut myself some slack. One day at a time little Manadee, one day at a time.

     Americans waste epic amounts of food every year and I am sadly no exception to this rule. My husband and I have decided to take on our greatest challenge yet starting tomorrow. We're going to eat what we have. The rules are simple:
1. We may only eat food that we already have in our kitchen.
2. The only food we may buy is milk, butter, eggs and fruits/veggies.
3. We may not order food or go out to eat.
How long can we last? I know we have a wedding this weekend, but barring that, I'm giving us 3 days before one of us cracks. My husband gives us a week. Stay tuned for the exciting adventure. 

     Last night I had pizza and I don't really feel bad about it. I ate pizza not because I was tired and had nothing else, but because I wanted to, because it sounded delicious and I know that this weekend I'm going to do some meal planning and get back on the fruits and vegetables wagon this week. At some point last year, I got a planner from The Happy Planner company. I am in love. It's so easy to take the pages out and to add new ones to customize it. Not gonna lie, it is a tad on the expensive side, but if you get your swag from Hobby Lobby when it's on sale - perfection.
     It combines my love of bright colors, stickers, calendars, and lists. I think I'm going to add a meal planner pack to my current agenda. They also have ones for exercise, budgeting, and everything else you can think of. Truth be told I'm probably just going to go to the Hoblob and go nuts. Being organized makes my soul happy (even if 9/10 of my organization is only on paper). This next week, I also have two personal training sessions instead of just one. I'm also going to try and swim laps at the pool on Friday morning. Nothing like the smell of chlorine and the sound of arms slicing through the water first thing in the morning.
     If I close my eyes, I can still hear the sound of all those voices - coaches, cheering moms, determined racers. I remember the thrill of feeling my toes curl over the block, tucking down tight, adrenaline pumping as I waited for the sound of the starting gun. I was never the fastest or the strongest, but it didn't matter, I was racing against myself. It was about shaving off that tenth of a second, being just a little faster than the race before. Man, I miss it. I honestly wish I had a group of girls to swim with. Why don't they have swim teams for adults? They've got softball, volleyball, basketball, but never any swimming. This is an injustice. Alas, I will just cling to the good memories and use them to propel me toward my goals. 
     This morning, we're going to head up to my husband's Grandma's house for a very belated Christmas since the weather was too bad up her way to go last weekend. I've got about half a million things to do this weekend, but despite being exhausted, I feel like I've got this. Time to hit the ground running (or hit the water kicking).

     The brand new year is upon us - 364 more possibilities for new adventures. I'll admit that I imbibed a little too much, ate a little too much, and stayed up a little too late last night, but it was a wonderful celebration and I never regret an opportunity for joy. I'm now two stickers deep in my journey, and my friend got her first sticker for reaching her goal of not drinking soda for three days in a row! I'm ready to tackle this new year head on and with gusto.
     My husband and I spontaneously organized the craft room the other day and it was glorious. We now have an actual space to exercise our creative hobbies and it feels so good to have taken back a space in our home from the clutter monster. It's been hard to admit, but after everything that happened in the last few years, I've been really depressed. Motivation has been hard to come by and so many things have fallen by the way side, but now, I'm ready to come back swinging. Starting next week, I'm returning to the gym with two personal training sessions instead of just one. I'm also going to really push myself to start swimming again.
     I was a swimmer in high school, and the smell of chlorine makes me nostalgic. There is something magic about gliding through the water, tucking into a flip turn, and pushing off the wall. I haven't been able to do a real flip turn in ages, and I really want to get there again. I absolutely want to lose weight, but it's about so much more than that. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to see what I can really do and this year, I'm all about testing the limits. Look out 2019, this little sea cow is taking to the ocean.