Ok, full disclosure, I haven't been tracking in my Weight Watchers app for about a week now. Life happened and I ate all the things. I'm back though and ready to hit this full force with a genius plan. You know how they always sell weight loss and fitness programs with the words "Boot Camp" in them? This brings to mind lots of sweating, pain, and not fun times and I'm more of a rainbows and kittens kind of gal. So, anywho, I've got my own plan and it involves stickers (of course). 
    I'm hitting the Sticker Revolution hard and setting up my own more whimsical and fluffy "Boot Camp" maybe I'll call it "WOOOHOOO Camp!". Catchy right? So, this is all being spurred by a particular event. On September 7th, we're going camping at Clinton State Park to watch one of the most inspirational people I know run a 100 mile marathon. Lawrence is several hours away and car rides really kill me, plus, we'll be in a tent and up and down throughout the night and day. With my medical and weight issues, this is going to be a REAL struggle for me physically (not to mention emotionally). Hey look at this guy running a 100 mile marathon and your dying on a car ride. But that's what "WOOOHOOO Camp!" is all about! I'm implementing a routine (or series of routines) from now until September 7th to help me get to a more positive place mentally, AND to get myself back on track with things that help me be more healthy physically.
    In the Sticker Revolution, we usually set 3 goals for ourselves per week, but I'm just going for broke and trying to earn ALL the stickers! But seriously, this is what it's going to look like for me. Starting tomorrow, the following items are on the agenda: 1. No electronics after 8:00 p.m. (except my Headspace sleep cast). 2. Track my food in weight watchers every day and try to have 4 roll over points as often as I can so I can still have a good weekend. 3. Go to personal training 2 days per week AND bump up my daily step count. 4. Actually follow my night and morning routines which include things like laying out my clothes and packing lunch. 5. Use my Headspace and Curable apps EVERY day. 6. Take my dang vitamins every day.
     If I do this consistently for a whole month, I'll be establishing good habits which will become reflex, and hopefully, I can build up to doing even bigger and better things. For right now, I'll just be happy with not feeling like I arm wrestled a bear after sleeping in a tent for a weekend. "WOOOHOO Camp!" here I come.

     I wish that I could be one of those insanely motivational people who just decides to do something one day and then trucks right on up that mountain and then there is a heartfelt YouTube video montage with tearjerker music as you watch them go through all the struggles and emerge victorious. Unfortunately, I'm just a regular person who can't seem to stop eating doughnut holes. Sigh. I've been told on more than one occasion by more than one person that I need to stop being so hard on myself, but I really believe that this is human nature.
     We can't ever actually see ourselves the way others do and it's a struggle. I understand that weight isn't everything and that we're all built differently and that we're all beautiful in our own way, but it's more than that for me. My weight is hindering me from doing things I love. My knee hurts, my hip keeps getting out of alignment and I just don't have the stamina I'd like to have. Granted, I've got like a laundry list of medical hiccups that contribute, but I honestly feel that if I could just get the weight off, it would be a good start.  
     Anyone who's ever said "just put the food down" has either never had a weight problem, is deeply unhappy and militant, or lacks any psychological connection to food. It's an addiction, as I've said a million times before. I was never really heavy in high school, but my mom always made well balanced meals and I was on the swim team. Post high school, I gained some weight, but I was a smoker. When I quit smoking almost 10 years ago is when I really packed on the pounds. I've joked with people that Weight Watchers is ruining my life because it's forcing me to meet my demons head on.
     Having an anxiety attack in the middle of the grocery store because you can't eat a carton of Ben & Jerry's AND a bucket of fried chicken really makes you think about unhealthy attachments to food. Every single time I start talking about my issues, it always comes back to exactly the same place: my inability to find the middle ground. Eat everything or nothing. Exercise 6 days a week or not at all. I run myself into the ground with these harshly unrealistic expectations for myself and then collapse and face plant in a carton on nachos. I'm working on it though. I'm trying to see myself in the same light as those who love me, but it's hard work.
     That's why I started the Sticker Revolution - to have a support network for all the people trying to be healthier versions of themselves mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm going to refocus more of my effort into that group and away from self condemnation. I've also started putting up little reminders around the house that I'm worthy of love, that I'm capable, that it's ok to not get it right all the time. And, I don't really care if visitors think it's weird that my refrigerator now says, "I am loved and worthy of being loved." Maybe it will just brighten their day.

     I have been really struggling with anxiety lately. I mean it's been like trying to wrastle a bear fixing to steal a picnic cooler and it's exhausting, and I'm pretty sure that I look a little worse for wear. I haven't been consistent in my gym routine and had to miss again this morning because I just couldn't fall asleep last night and then slept horribly. It's like my brain just won't shut up and take a chill pill, and this has been going on for what feels like weeks now.
     I know that going to the gym and being consistent in doing my Headspace exercises is key to taming the beast, but I get caught up in the thick of it, and then it's like I'm paralyzed and every decision is just to big to make. I know I'll be fine, because I made myself sit down to write. Even if I don't have anything of universal importance to say, it's important just to process my thoughts. I'd encourage anyone with anxiety issues to do the same. You don't have to write a blog for the whole world to see, but consider getting a journal and writing everything down. When you have your head on straight, you can read what you wrote and process it rationally, and then talk yourself down off some ledges.
     I know part of my problem is the perfection Monster. I want everything I do to be perfect all the time: follow routines to a t, do every item on the checklist, give 150% to every task, and that's just setting myself up to fail. I need to take a deep breath, meditate, and just let me be enough. Whatever I can do, whatever gets done is enough.
     At this very moment I'm agonizing over a decision that doesn't merit agonizing. And I'm still tired, but can't go back to sleep, but I have Thursday off for the 4th of July, and I have ravioli in the fridge, AND I've lost almost 15 pounds and stayed on track with Weight Watchers for over a month, so those are things. Positive things. I'm going to be ok. I'm just going to let that dang bear have the picnic cooler. Seriously, I can just buy another one, bears will be bears, sometimes you just have to let it go.