So I know I've mentioned at least once before that I have a little side business in direct sales, but I've never really just come out and said what it is. See, I've got this alter ego who is exactly like me except for braver and a lot more organized. I've been trying to keep her and my blog separate, but the thing is, I've been thinking about writing a blog for my business and that got me thinking, why do the two have to be mutually exclusive? I'm not really planning on selling anything in the blog, just talking about the topics that matter to me and that I feel are super important to share. So again, why have I been so reluctant to bring those topics here? Because I sell for Pure Romance.
    I get so much side eye when I first tell people that. Don't get me wrong, there a plenty of people who are really cool about it, but there is so much stigma and myth surrounding this company. "Oh, you do those parties." Why yes, I do. I always said that I could sell something that I really believe in, and I absolutely believe in this. The companies motto is "Empower. Educate. Entertain" and as a former teacher, I'm all about all three. So why am I telling you all this now, after I've been with Pure Romance for more than a year? Because I'm merging into my alter ego and becoming exactly who I've always been meant to be. A brave and unstoppable manatee who isn't afraid of boats (refer to the about section of my blog if your scratching your head about this metaphor).
    I'm growing and changing and doing a whole lot of internet surfing and reading so many articles and have come to the conclusion that there are important things that we just don't talk about. They get shoved under the rug and marked as not polite for dinner parties and so the myths and stigma continue. Well, not today Satan, not today.
     I talk all the time about accepting and loving yourself, mental and physical health, and now I'm telling you, SEXUAL HEALTH MATTERS. There I said it, sex. Because sex and sexual health are not dirty words. Understanding our bodies and accepting things like menopause, endometriosis, libido, and hormones is all part of living a happy and healthy life filled with empathy for our fellow humans. Empowered women empower women. And now you know. My name is Deedre and I sell Pure Romance. And I'm cutting through stigma one myth at a time.

     So, I'm working through the writing prompts from The F*ck It Diet and it's weird to discover just how turbulent my relationship with food has been for the last 38 years. Right now, I'm supposed to be analyzing my relationship to hunger. What do I think, fear, wish, and judge about hunger? What do I believe about it and how do I try to manipulate it? Finding the answers takes me back to grade school.
    I'm a big person. I've always been a big person and it was more glaringly obvious when I was young and the kids around me were much smaller. I remember going to Disney World when I was 6 and riding my first roller coaster because I met the you must be this tall to ride line. I just shot up like a bean sprout and didn't stop until 9th grade then it just leveled out. My doctors speculated that I would be over 6 feet tall but I stopped at 5'9 and it's hard enough finding pants as it is. I also hit a size 10 shoe somewhere before the end of grade school and a size 11 by high school. I understand that there are many people who are taller and have bigger feet than I do, but pain is relative, and today, I'm reflecting on mine.
     My mom is tall too, but as I've said before, not built like me. I've got broad shoulders and a masculine stance. No one has ever accused me of being dainty. I think I wanted to be dainty when I was young. And, as my body grew, so did my realization that I was not standard size. To be honest, my height never bothered me, it was my frame. I thought that maybe if I were thin, my size would be more acceptable. So what do I judge and fear about hunger? That it is weakness, a mountain to be conquered. To this day, I fight the subconscious habit of looking at the smaller people around me to see if they are hungry. I used to work with people who would drink coffee for breakfast and have an apple for lunch and just the thought of that makes me want to gnaw off my own foot. It makes me angry.
     How? How do they drink coffee and eat an apple in an 8 hour work day and not want to go on a hangry rampage? Is there something intrinsically wrong with me that I can't, that I need more? I had terribly disordered eating in middle and high school. I skipped meals, tracked every ounce I gained or lost, felt a dark sense of satisfaction when the hunger pains kept me awake at night. Hunger was an obsession, an experiment, a never ending battle that I couldn't seem to win. As an adult, I have gone back and forth so many times there's no point in trying to count.
     So, yeah, I clearly have an unhealthy and confrontational relationship with hunger. The good news is that I'm learning to see it as a biological function - the gas gauge in my human machine. Being hungry means that my body needs food. I don't have to fight it, or question it, or analyze it, I just eat. And some days, that is more of a struggle than it should be, but I'm learning. I'm growing. And one baby step at a time, I'm healing.