As we creep ever closer to the deadline, I find myself needing a life jacket to wade through all my emotions. I think the thing that makes me most apprehensive is the unknown. There are so many things the doctors just can't tell me because they won't know until they've opened me up and given it the old college try. I'll go to sleep knowing life one way and wake up to whatever has happened and that will be that. I can't tell them that I've changed my mind or that I want something to be done differently. It will be done and I will have to learn to accept my life whatever way that is.
I've always had health problems, but it's been a really rough last couple of years. Honestly, I hit the ground running and have gone face first into a bunch of glass doors. Historically speaking, I've gone for pretty long intervals between operations. I had my first surgery at 3 months old and my second around 2 years. Both were corrective surgeries for the birth defect of my right kidney. I had a failed laparoscopy in December of 2001 and my right kidney was removed in June 2002. Yes, I've been to the doctor since then for various issues, but it seems like it's been one thing after another for a while now.
In January 2017, I had my gallbladder successfully removed. They had to fight through a lot of adhesions, used 6 ports instead of four, and tore a small piece of my liver (which I'm told is fairly typical for this procedure), but they got it out and I was only in the hospital for one night. Then in October of 2017 they attempted to do a hysterectomy and failed. The adhesions were insurmountable. In December of 2017 they did an endometrial ablation which my doctor assured me would be a walk in the park and that I "probably wouldn't even notice they did anything". This was definitely NOT the case. It took me over a week to recover. Now here I am in June of 2018 missing my Oregon Trail (trip of a lifetime) to have a total hysterectomy and appendectomy.
I brought coloring books and lots of house dresses and I'm really looking forward to the great bowel purge of 2018 which will take place from noon on tomorrow (if you've ever prepped for a colonoscopy, then you understand how much fun this will be). I'm trying to imagine my spirit animal, the manatee. She's just floating in the water, sleeping and grazing, in the lull of the great wide sea. The Manadee knows that she can weather the storm, I just have to trust her instincts.
Creating my own sunshine 🌞