Anxiety is the worst. Sometimes it’s really hard to hold onto the positive when my brain gets overstimulated. Imagine being in a classroom trying to take notes for an important lesson while the marching band is practicing outside the window, your best friend is trying to share cat videos with you, there are two people chatting behind you, and you’ve got a splitting headache. That’s how crowded it gets in my head on the regular. I’m just one giant raw nerve and everything in the world around me is imploding at once.
Like right now, I’m trying to write this post, and I’m thinking “SHIT! I forgot to pay the lawn mowing bill. How overdue is that?!” And I can pretty much promise you that if I don’t get up this second and locate the bill, I will forget again. There’s just so damn much happening at once and this morning, while I was swimming at the gym, I was wishing that I were stupid rich so I could just do whatever I wanted and life would be chill. But you know what? Although money would definitely solve a bunch of shit on my list, it isn’t going to change the noise or the doom spiraling in my head. Truth.
Case in point, what exactly do I plan to do with all this free time money is going to buy me? What do I actually want out of life and what could I be doing right now that doesn’t require money that I’m not doing despite having a lot more free time since going part time? I want to travel, make my podcast, and…well, that’s about as far as I’ve made it at this juncture. Look, I’m gonna give it to you straight, sometimes it absolutely is about the money - to make house repairs, pay bills, fund trips but more times it doesn’t have anything to do with the dollar dollar bills ya’ll.
It’s about mindset and getting clear about what it is you actually want to do with your life. What will make you happy? What do you want to do before you die? What does a life well lived look like to you? We gotta dig deep and find the real answers to these questions inside ourselves. Not the bullshit we tell other people to make ourselves look good, but the truth that will set us free.
That’s the reflection I need to be making. I’m going to think long and hard about it, figure out where I’d like to be heading and how exactly I’m going to get there - just as soon as I pay that damn lawn mowing bill.
Creating my own sunshine 🌞