On Fire

My Facebook feed is full of cute babies and inspirational videos. I'm not complaining. There are, however, only so many times that person can be punched in the "feels" before they begin to question what the hell they are doing with their life. 
I have decided (in the words of John Parr) that my time is now. That's right, I'm grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns and that beast is going to be my delicious double patty hamburger with pickles. 
I've had a miserable last couple of months. I hate being feeble. You see, I was born with a birth defect of my right kidney which caused it to be all "You can take this job and shove it." I had two corrective surgeries - one at age three months the other at age two (both of which left me split open like a Thanksgiving turkey from below the breast plate to groin). Neither surgery fixed the problem.
Fast forward to Memorial Day 2002 when the aforementioned kidney gave up the ghost and quit. It actually died (inconsiderate prat didn't even wait for my 21st birthday). This time they cut me down the side and made a big 'ole hole that took 21 staples to close.
Now, in between those two incidents, I had another surgery which should have been a minor operation. See my reproductive organs have also been cited for drunk and disorderly, and the doctors decided that in lieu of allowing them to burn the house down, they were going in to have a look-see and find out what was what.
They were supposed to make a wee incision above my belly button and insert a scope. In and out without incident. Ha. After cutting a four inch hole THROUGH my belly button and down a ways, they gave up and stapled me back together. It seems that all my internal organs had been fused together with scar tissue. They couldn't find my uterus. You read that right. Those drunk and disorderly bastards built an impenetrable fort and then passed out.  
Ok. Fine. I'll just live with it? Like I'm living with the fibromyalgia? Anyway, for those of you who also have a co-dependency on ibuprofen, I'll take this moment to inform you that taking 400-800 mg every four hours on a fairly regular basis is bad ju-ju. Especially if you only have one kidney.
Time marches on. January of 2017, my gallbladder decided that it too was quitting without notice. Actually, I think it probably screamed and gurgled a whole lot for a long, long time, but I couldn't hear it over the racket of the rest on my insides burning down. Now days, this voodo magic they call "laser surgery" lets them take out an organ with a few little holes and your on your way a couple of hours later. Would any of you reading be surprised to hear that's not exactly how it went down for me? 
They ended up cutting six little holes, five around my belly button like a clock, and one right through my belly button (if your counting, that's four times the old button has been sliced and diced. Now there is no belly button, there is only Zuul). Anywho, they had to cut all those holes in order to get through that impenetrable fort. My doctor did an amazing job, but even so, it took an hour just to cut through all the adhesions, and in a final act of spite, my insides wouldn't let go of my liver and it tore a little bit for fun. Don't worry. I lived.
Ok, I've only got one more. I promise. 
Just last month, I had decided enough was enough. Time for those no good, rabble rousing reproductive organs to get off my lawn! Not any easy decision by far, but the best one given the circumstances. So, I go to the hospital, take my Valium, and go sleepy bye. I kind of wish I could have just stayed asleep for a while. Turns out, my flippin uterus resisted eviction. After a seven inch incision and 15 staples, they abandoned ship. Oh my god, how? Why? All of my bowels are bound up like a big death star. My uterus has it's own death star. What the hell?
So now you're caught up.
I've been down, depressed, tired, angry, hungry. Just kind of going through all of the emotions alphabetically a few times a day. But now I'm done. I'm going to do something. And it may not seem like much to you, but that bull burger is mine and I'm starting with my new pal Fitbit Alta HR. We're going to do 42,000 steps by bedtime Saturday. Look out world, I'm coming for ya and my insides are on fire!