A friend sent me a really great video about a thing called The Wall of Awful. There are actually two parts - defining what the wall is and how to get over it. But, suffice it to say that I’m staring a wall down at this very moment. Basically, the WOA (wall of awful), is the inability to do even a simple task because of the enormous amount of baggage that stands in front of it. Previous bad experiences, trauma, negative self talk, anxiety, doubt, just a whole shit load of bricks piled up between you and the thing you want/need to do.
On the other side of my current wall is my podcast and the Mic Drop Workshop, two things I’m excited and terrified by in equal measure. Yes, ADHD and executive dysfunction are part of the mix, but the other part is fear of failure (or even worse, insignificance). What if I put all this energy and time into creating a podcast and writing a keynote speech and literally no one gives a shit? Or worse, the internet trolls come out from under their bridges and validate all of the things I secretly fear about myself? Oh, well - I guess. That’s a new mantra I’m trying to make stick “Oh well”. I got the idea from an Instagram Post by Jess Ekstrom (who is one of the top 5 most inspiring people I know of). Instead of falling into a well of what if’s and despair, we decide to let the negative be part of the growth process. When something bad happens, say “Oh well” and see how that feels. No one listens to my podcast? Oh well. No one wants to pay me to speak? Oh well. It might sound a little callous or even counterproductive, but hear me out: what if it is really teaching us to just let that shit go? We’re going to try, we’re going to fail and sometimes epically, but so what? I just read the most incredible post from a family friend who had to stop running a 250 mile marathon he’d been training to do for over a year because of a knee injury. In talking about the experience, he said, “If there isn’t a significant chance of failure, then what you’re doing must not be very difficult. I will heal-up, learn, adjust, move on, improve, and fail until I succeed.” That is the embodiment of “oh well”. Take on the challenging things, the things that terrify you, and embrace the possibility of falling on your face. We will never know what is possible if we don’t try. There’s a traffic jam in my head,
The circus is escaping out the back while no one is looking. Somebody forgot to make a plan for contingencies, We always forget the damn contingencies. Why do they never account for shit hitting the fan? It’s inevitable, unavoidable - Stop being a pessimist they say at the meeting, But it’s not pessimism, it’s pragmatism. Somebody has to look out for the Spanish Inquisition, Or that shit will blindside you every time. There’s something so satisfying about seeing another person’s success story. You get the difficult beginnings and the shiny, beautiful, perfectly packaged end result. What we so often forget about is the messy middle and the new beginnings that inevitably follow because almost nothing in life is static. The best lived lives are those that constantly evolve, taking joy in the challenge of discovering each new possibility, and understanding that with possibility comes risk. The goal isn’t to avoid failure, it is to be fulfilled, to be passionately alive.
On this morning, I wish with every fiber of my being that I were at that perfectly packaged end. I’m looking around at my house that is so utterly chaotic and disheveled (a bi-product of my neurodivergent brain) and wanting order. I want to tame the clutter, get rid of ALL the shit I will never use, and then somehow stumble on the pile of money it’s going to take to remodel this 1921 craftsman bungalow. I want to sit in my Pinterest worthy final product sipping my morning tea and look back on how far I’ve come and how good it feels. But, today is NOT that day. I wish I had advice for you, that I could tell you I have all the secrets for mastering your ADHD brain and finally getting your shit together, but I can’t. What I can offer you is honesty. I am trying really hard, experimenting with the fervor of a mad scientist to find the things that work, that help, that bring a modicum of sanity into my chaos. I am learning to forgive myself over and over again every single day - reminding myself that I am human, and our humanity is what makes us beautiful. I may never have the Pinterest house of my dreams, but that knowledge won’t stop me from trying. There is joy in the trying, self discovery in the attempts, and today I chose to embrace the chaos and hold onto hope with both fists. Sometimes the best part of life is in the becoming. I had my last personal training session at the pool this morning and decided to swim around a bit afterwards when a minor miracle occurred. I did a few freestyle strokes and my shoulder didn’t feel like it was trying to disconnect from my body! I’m not saying that I could make it through repeated laps, because I was entirely too tired to try, but it definitely raised my spirits.
For administrative professionals day, my work provided us with free massages (how cool is that) and the massage therapist did some work on my shoulder. It never even occurred to me, or maybe I have forgotten, that it’s called therapeutic massage for a reason. I don’t expect to get full mobility back, but this definitely changes my outlook. I said at the beginning that I didn’t know what was possible so I was going to go out there and see what my body can do. It’s small victories like this which make me hopeful - not because everything hinges on my shoulder being cured, but because I am reminded that I actually don’t know what is possible. Not everything in life is going to be a disappointment. Sometimes we get to be pleasantly surprised. Take this moment to remember that for all the heinously bad unexpected shit that happens in our lives, there is also magnificently good unexpected shit. We simply can’t imagine every possibility, and that my friends is why we must get out there and embrace the adventure of living. |
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June 2023
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